weak&whim

Sometimes, when we alternate between multiple versions of the truth. We start to lose sight of what does the truth really means or impact us.

All these multiple lives I've been leading. I wonder which is me.

All this different version of the 'truth' I've been telling. I wonder which one do I myself trust.

Its funny how it all evolves. The 16year old now the almost 21.

All that I said I would do, I've done.

All that I've said I wouldn't, I did.

Sex for sale, Sex not for sale.

Drugs, Marijuana & whats not.

More often than not...

I sit alone(on the train) lost in my train of thoughts and miss my train stop. LOL.

I wonder if its the on-coming frosty cold winter wind ... The fading spring.

Or, its just me being weak & whim.

+

How many version of the truth can there be?

How many realities are there?

I wonder.

break ups replayed.

So weekend after weekends of failed break-up attempts. I wonder how I could make an effective step to completion.

Confessing I cheated ?

6 times ?

Would that work ?

maybe its the tickets that's keeping us together.

Qutting marathon ?

This trying to quit smoking thing seems not as difficult but not as easy as I might have thought of either ends of if.

Till date, this is the first 52hours I've gone without a puff since my last quitting stint (3weeks w/o) in July. Yes, I barely started. However, I think the real addiction's kicking in.

Stomach cramps, yes.

Chest tightening, yes.

Breathing difficulties, yes.

Depress, maybe a lil bit.

I've got a feeling I might jump back in on the bandwagon once I meet up with the mates this weekend.

Sigh.

C

'Cheating only counts when you are married.' - East coast, USA.

Does it ?

I suspect he did already.

A few weeks ago he suddenly went MIA.

Only to return my call at 1am in the morning, saying he fell asleep straight after work.

What a bastard.

Mich from uni said its supicious.

mmm.... I only feel a tinge of guilt when I cheat on him w/o cash.

  When, I'm on the job I just treat it like a ... bonus...

After all with all that fine dining and wining in London town, someone has to foot the bill...

its in you.

*I woke up today to the strangest dream. My liver was hurting again.I wonder if it was really hurting or was I just dreaming. Also, in the dream WG & I have arrived in Singapore and were travelling about.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about my devious Monday night.

So vengeance bit me hard from being ban from partying over the weekends.

I made a decision that if I don't have a good time partying this week I'll never be able to.

Also, finding out that he lied about the people he slept with previously added to my annoyance.

*yes, I know despite my cheating behavior, I'm still human and am allowed to be puritanical. 


 Plus, what you don't know won't hurt you.  No ?

Reached home at 9pm from the library,chucked 'Frida'on to the player watch it whilst I rolled and puffed a few joints + changed into my party outfit.

Sat around for that good 119mins the flim was playing,preparing for my sweet revenge break.

I called up a couple of my gay mates who always knew a good party going on any time of the week.

It was close to 1am when decided to drag my lazy butt out.

Dress in a tight scrunchy fushia pink dress Joel bought me last winter... I hit the bars like a 18year old.

I bumped into a swede I had a fling with once and bought him back - fucked him on the roof-top and told him

'thanks for the 'ride' you can leave now. sorry, I just don't like inviting people into my house.'

so, i guess once you ever ever started cheating.

'Its in you.'

Like, lost virginity.

Reduction & the lost halloween.

So, I did reduce the amount of ciggie intake over the last week. Yay ?

I'm still sulking over not being able to party this 'halloween' weekend.

I've always always done halloween. Except for this year.

Because of that fucked up poof - WG.

All he wanted to do was stay home and watch TV.

I told him he could do that while I head out doing my own thing. After all we bought the costume already.

I'm annoyed with him.

He threw such a huge hissy fit at me because I wanted to go out.

I feel like a caged bird.

Smokers-Quitters.

'Rehab's for quitters, quitters are for rehabs.' , I chuckled.

I took up smoking about 5 months ago?

As a non-peer pressure - experimental thing for myself.

I never realize there was such complex dynamics to smoking.

It becoming a habit, a daily diet, the social circle and whats not.

I would like to stop someday.

Has anyone here quit smoking ?

'Do you wake up one day and say... yes, I'm going to stop now. No more for me? '

 What did you do ?

repetition

Sex, has become an almost meaningless repetition of body movement.

Do you actually enjoy it ? 

I meant, yes, Its enjoyable but once it gets beyond the 'orgasm-ed(s)'.

Okay, maybe the once in awhile intimate cuddling - with the one you desire/love (w/o the BO)

What does it really mean anymore?

I remember the first couple of 'new' jobs were the hardest. Having to 'do' those ugly toads you never had to, if it weren't for a 'cause' or for that stack of greenbacks - blue notes - whatever. 

*I'm sorry guys. The money was never easy.

 After having dinner with the ex-fling, his date & WG. 

 The ex-fling/chris and I spoke over MSN. 

 He told me he can see why I'm with WG, though we don't look very much like a couple. 

 WG's too reserved, quiet, not as out-going & terd-ish - not quite the guy he thought I would end up with.


I'll try to post the convo if I'm able to find it.

 

Tricks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TamOrADrhwc&feature=player_embedded# .

I like this song.

WG's heading over to asia pretty soon.

It would be his first trip down. I hope he behaves.

He would be having a couple of 'DJ-ing' gigs.

I wonder if I trust him enough. Though, deep down I know that the person I crave for is Andy.

Everything's pretty plain sailing with WG.

We met up with one of the ex-flings today for lunch - double date. Sushi Train ?

 It was a little awkward.  Bah, but who cares.

 We haven't had sex for 2 fking weeks now. Gosh, I wonder. What the fuck is wrong with this guy.

I'm use to getting fucked everyday - this drought is horrible. Thank god, for the tricks I needed to turn the last two weeks if not...


I don't see how this relationship is going to work out. But, he isn't listening when I tell him its actually over.


Or,maybe I'm just a sucker for 'persistence' as usual.

sleep.

I'm just so terrible at uploading photos.

Its 3:13am now. Falling asleep at my own apartment's becoming quite a task. Maybe its too much of falling asleep - fitfully on those Egyptian Sheets from random hotels or the 4days a week at WG home + 2days a week at a schoolmate's place.

What's the point of having my own place anymore ? When i'm only home 1-2times a week.

I'm planning to rent a 2bedroom next year, if finance allows. I'll operate from my own place.